You’ve probably heard of perfectionism in the context of work or productivity, but there’s another type that might not be as obvious: emotional perfectionism. This pressure to always feel a certain way—usually positive, calm, or confident—can be just as exhausting as striving for perfection in your career or daily tasks. It’s a mental trap that forces you to suppress emotions like sadness, anger, or anxiety because they don’t meet your high standards.
But how did we get here? And why do we often push ourselves to feel a certain way in the first place? Let’s dive into what emotional perfectionism is, explore where it comes from, and offer new ways to be kinder to yourself when your emotions aren’t exactly what you expect.
The Hidden Roots of Emotional Perfectionism
To understand why you might feel the need to be emotionally “perfect,” we have to take a step back. Emotional perfectionism often starts in the context of broader societal pressures and personal expectations. In a world where everything seems to be about achieving success, keeping up appearances, and presenting the best version of yourself, emotions often get sidelined as something to be “fixed.”
From social media portrayals of flawless lives to workplace demands for constant positivity, it’s easy to get the message that you need to “manage” how you feel at all times. The idea that you should always be happy, upbeat, or content starts to take root. Unfortunately, this leads to a kind of emotional denial. If you’re always striving to feel one way, the natural ebb and flow of human emotions—sadness, anxiety, frustration—become unwanted intruders.
It’s important to remember that emotions are dynamic. They’re fluid, not static. But when emotional perfectionism takes over, we start to think that only certain emotions are “acceptable,” while others are a sign of failure.
Why You Feel Like You “Should” Be Emotionally Perfect
The desire to feel perfect emotions comes from multiple sources. Here’s what might be driving that urge:
1. Social Conditioning
From an early age, many of us are conditioned to believe that positive emotions are “good” and negative emotions are “bad.” Whether it’s a well-meaning parent saying “don’t cry” or the expectation at work that everyone stays positive, there’s a constant messaging that emotions should be controlled or avoided. In turn, emotional perfectionism becomes a learned behavior we carry into adulthood.
2. The Fear of Vulnerability
Being vulnerable means admitting that you’re human—fallible and imperfect. For many, this feels risky. Showing emotions like anxiety, frustration, or sadness may be perceived as weakness, and this fear can create the drive for emotional perfection. You might think that if you can “fix” your emotions, you’ll avoid vulnerability and the discomfort that comes with it.
3. The Constant Hustle Culture
In today’s hustle culture, being productive and constantly achieving are seen as virtues. This creates pressure to always show up as “the best version” of yourself—not just in your career, but in your emotional state too. If you’re not happy, calm, or confident, it feels like you’re not measuring up. But the truth is, even high achievers need space to feel the full range of human emotions without feeling like it’s holding them back.
What Happens When We Strive for Emotional Perfection
Now, let’s talk about what emotional perfectionism actually does to you, both on a personal and professional level. It’s easy to assume that perfectionism will push us to be more “successful” or more “likeable,” but it doesn’t work that way.
The Anxiety of Trying to Control How You Feel
The pressure to “feel right” often leads to anxiety. Every emotion feels like a challenge. You start overthinking everything you feel—judging yourself when you’re not in a calm or happy state. Instead of processing your emotions in a healthy way, you’re stuck in a constant loop of self-monitoring, which only heightens stress and anxiety.
The Disconnect from Your True Self
When you’re constantly focused on maintaining an ideal emotional state, it becomes easy to lose touch with who you truly are. Emotional perfectionism encourages you to ignore emotions that don’t fit into the “ideal” box, and in doing so, you disconnect from your authentic self. This leads to a lack of self-acceptance, as you feel like there’s something wrong with you when you don’t feel happy or composed all the time.
Emotional Burnout
Ironically, the quest for emotional perfection can lead to burnout. When you’re continuously suppressing your feelings and forcing yourself to be positive or calm, your emotional energy becomes depleted. You may start to feel emotionally numb or drained, unable to truly feel or connect with others. Instead of helping you “perform” better, emotional perfectionism wears you down over time.
How to Release the Pressure of Emotional Perfectionism
The first step toward healing emotional perfectionism is realizing that it’s okay to feel whatever you feel. You don’t need to be happy all the time, and it’s perfectly fine to experience negative emotions. Emotions are part of your human experience, not a flaw to fix.
Here’s how you can begin releasing that emotional pressure:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Judgment
Instead of suppressing negative emotions, acknowledge them without judgment. When you feel sad, anxious, or frustrated, simply recognize it and say, “This is how I feel right now.” No need to label it as “bad” or “wrong.” Emotions are just signals—let them exist without the need to fix them.
2. Let Go of “Shoulds” and “Musts”
Stop telling yourself that you “should” feel a certain way. Ditch the idea that you must always be calm, happy, or upbeat. Embrace the fact that you’re allowed to feel however you feel. The pressure to be emotionally “perfect” fades when you stop holding yourself to those arbitrary standards.
3. Create Space for Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a powerful tool for healing. Start to open up about your emotions to others when you feel safe doing so. Whether it’s confiding in a friend, writing in a journal, or speaking to a therapist, expressing how you feel can break the cycle of emotional perfectionism.
4. Reframe Emotional Experiences as Opportunities for Growth
Instead of viewing emotions like anxiety or sadness as setbacks, try to see them as opportunities for growth. Every emotion teaches you something about yourself, your needs, and your boundaries. When you allow yourself to feel, you’re creating room for personal development and deeper emotional intelligence.
The Freedom in Feeling Without Perfection
Emotional perfectionism thrives when we deny ourselves the full spectrum of emotions. But the truth is, allowing ourselves to feel without judgment is one of the most freeing experiences we can have. There’s power in embracing your emotions—both the joyful ones and the challenging ones. When you stop chasing emotional perfection, you stop living in reaction to a standard that doesn’t exist. Instead, you start living authentically, with permission to feel whatever comes your way.
So, next time you catch yourself trying to force a smile when you’re feeling down, or striving to be calm when you’re anxious, remember: it’s okay. Embrace the messiness of your emotions. It’s human. And it’s perfectly okay to not always feel “perfect.”
Still need more support? Schedule a free 15-min phone consult to see if we’d be a good fit to help you explore emotional perfection (applicable for South Carolina residents).
by Samm Brenner Gautier, LPC, LPCS-C
