Asking for help can feel like the ultimate contradiction for high achievers. We’re wired to do it all ourselves, to be the person everyone can count on, the one with the answers. So, when it comes time to ask for help, something inside us resists. We may feel weak, incompetent, or like we’ve somehow failed. But here’s the thing: asking for help often has little to do with our actual abilities and everything to do with the stories we’ve been telling ourselves.
Let’s dive into why this happens, and how we can reframe asking for help as something empowering, not something to be feared.
The Burden of Self-Reliance
From a young age, many of us are taught to “do it yourself.” Whether it’s family dynamics, societal messages, or the pressure to succeed, independence becomes a core part of our identity. When you’ve been raised to believe that asking for help means you’re not capable, it’s no wonder why this is hard later on in life. It feels like you’re losing control over how others perceive you, and in turn, you feel like you’re failing at what you’re supposed to be great at.
Yet, this internalized belief can take a toll. It’s easy to start overloading yourself just to avoid the discomfort of relying on others. The idea that we must always be self-sufficient can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and a sense of isolation. What’s often forgotten is that self-reliance isn’t about never needing help—it’s about knowing when and how to lean on others when necessary.
Perfectionism and Its Role in Help Avoidance
Perfectionists, in particular, face a heightened challenge when it comes to asking for help. The more you strive for perfection, the more you believe you must be the one to handle everything yourself. Asking for help means admitting that you’re not perfect—and that’s a terrifying thought for someone who’s worked so hard to keep up appearances. Asking for help is hard for perfectionists because it’s tied to the fear of judgment. There’s this internal narrative that if we can’t do something flawlessly on our own, then we’ve somehow failed.
But let’s get real for a second: perfection doesn’t exist. No one has all the answers, and being able to accept support from others is often what leads to the greatest growth. Releasing the need to do it all yourself is the first step in breaking free from perfectionism’s grip.
The Fear of Losing Control
When you’ve always been the one who handles everything, asking for help is tied to a fear of losing control. It’s not just about getting the support you need—it’s about the perceived risk of letting someone else take charge of part of your life, even temporarily. Whether it’s delegating a work task or asking a friend for help with personal matters, letting go of control can feel like an admission of failure.
In reality, asking for help isn’t about surrendering control. It’s about recognizing your limitations and opening up to the possibility of sharing that responsibility with others. It doesn’t make you weak; it makes you wiser.
The Emotional Impact of Asking for Help
Asking for help can trigger deep emotions. For some, it brings up feelings of inadequacy or the fear of burdening others. But the difficulty of asking for help also comes from the emotional toll we bear when we try to do everything by ourselves. The more we try to manage alone, the more we can feel isolated and emotionally drained.
However, seeking help doesn’t mean offloading all your emotional burdens onto someone else—it creates an opportunity for connection and shared experiences. When we reach out for help, we open the door to understanding, empathy, and mutual support.
Challenging the Beliefs That Make Asking for Help Hard
So, what can be done to make it feel easier? The first step is recognizing that asking for help doesn’t have to be a permanent roadblock. It’s a learned behavior that can be unlearned with practice and a shift in perspective.
Here are a few practical strategies for overcoming the hesitation:
- Start Small: Begin with small requests. Ask for help with something simple, like getting advice on a task or asking someone to join you for support at an event. The more you practice, the less intimidating it becomes.
- Reframe the Narrative: Instead of seeing asking for help as a sign of failure, start viewing it as a sign of growth. It shows that you value your time, energy, and well-being enough to seek the support you need.
- Change Your Perspective on Competence: Remember that competence doesn’t mean doing everything perfectly by yourself. True competence means recognizing when you need assistance and being comfortable with it. It’s about knowing how to leverage the resources around you, whether that’s professional support, friends, or colleagues.
- Recognize the Value of Collaboration: We are not meant to go through life alone. Collaboration fosters creativity, problem-solving, and resilience. By asking for help, you invite others into your journey and allow them to contribute in ways you might not have anticipated.
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel vulnerable when asking for help. Acknowledge that fear, and then move past it. Remind yourself that vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s the bridge to real connection and progress.
Why Asking for Help Is Essential for Growth
Ultimately, the act of asking for help can be traced back to our deeply ingrained beliefs about strength, independence, and perfection. But the sooner we challenge these ideas, the sooner we’ll realize that seeking support is a strength, not a flaw. It’s a crucial step in building resilience, avoiding burnout, and maintaining our emotional health.
Next time you find yourself hesitating to ask for help, remember: you don’t have to do it all on your own. There’s no shame in reaching out, and in fact, it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re choosing to thrive.
Still need more support? Schedule a free 15-min phone consult to see if we’d be a good fit to help you practice asking for help (applicable for South Carolina residents).
by Samm Brenner Gautier, LPC, LPCS-C
